Entry Log #5: Burden

Going to expose myself here, so here it goes.

The past two weeks have been interesting for me. It has been about focusing on myself. However, this passed Sunday was kind of a turning point on my life — and it was the time I took a look at myself. This passed Sunday I got into in a car accident, as I was turning into a exit ramp onto Route 29 from 200, a motorcyclist rammed into my left, rear tire. It caused the motorcyclist to slide onto the grass and my car was spinning onto the grass. As I was spinning, I hit my head on the seatbelt adjustor and I was knocked out. I think ten minutes later, I was barely waking up and saw the person drive away — I don’t think he came to check on me. I went to the hospital the same day, and my doctor said it may just be a headache (and like always, my girlfriend would predict what the real problem is: mild concussion).

The sun dawns on Thursday, I was on my way to my Tita’s (Hannah’s aunt) house and I was passing out as I was driving. I pulled over and I was panicking because I never passed out in my life, I honestly thought I was going to die. I calmed myself with the help of my girlfriend, and I continued driving to Tita’s, half awake. Got there safely. My girlfriend helped me get out of the car and onto the couch, and I slept there for an hour before working.

Friday barges in, I go to my doctor again and got a CAT scan. The scan showed that my frontal lobe on the left hemisphere was deteriorated and it is spreading at a rate of a snail. The size is neither large nor small, it’s a pretty good size. SO… it is a mild concussion (just how my wonderful girlfriend predicted). When I told my girlfriend about this, she has been keeping check on me. I took a nap a few times, and one time I woke up, Hannah texted me, I freaked out because I did not know who she was. Few moments later, I finally remembered. I basically forgot where I was. I don’t think anyone would go through that moment whenever they wake up, unless you was drunk that night and your drunk inner-self just decide to take a stroll with your toxic-body into the middle of the mystery night.

Now, you may think this has been a burden on me. I mean, I just went through this accident. I was feeling lightheaded, I got knocked out, I passed out, MY BRAIN IS DETERIORATING AS WE SPEAK, and I lost my memory for a moment. IT IS SCARY TO FORGET EVERYTHING! Did I tell you about the time I forgot who was my girlfriend when she texted me?

No, this whole situation is not a burden to me. I feel more like it has been more of a burden on my girlfriend. Why? This is how I feel.

I have to admit, first, that my girl is a trooper, she can handle a lot of stress and she still put up a fight at life. We both share struggles from life and families. My girl sometimes has to deal with some of my crap. Some crap being my insecurities, family problems, academic struggles, etc. I hate seeing her stressed out. Including the things that I have to go though myself that she’s somehow in. I have fears of what may result of her stressing out about my problems. I have an idea. I don’t want to ask or question her anything because I feel like each word just piles up on her stress.

I have questions that I want to ask people, but I have to figure out those questions on my own. Affirmation is big for me. So I don’t know how I can encourage myself, still learning on my own. Most of my life, I have been doing things by myself, because I didn’t have anyone to trust or that people didn’t give me a reason to trust them. Now that I have someone that I can share my life with, for the first time, I’m not sure what I am doing well and what I need to improve. This is my goal:

Kill my fears, give my all.

I much prefer if the burden was on me than on her. That goes for every burden. If she’s happy, I’ll be happy with her. If she’s sad, I’ll be sad with her. Be there in her good and bad times. In sickness or in poverty. ‘Til death do us apart.

That’s marriage, isn’t it?

If so, which it is to me — I’m giving my all to her.

 

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Entry Log #4: Changes

So up to this day, I have been thinking about some things, such as: family problems, moving out, and working. Lets talk about each one.

Family Problems

So I don’t know how much I want to put out about this. However, the gist of it is that my family has been going through so major complications. Where trust broke where you didn’t expect to be get broken. My parents started having problems since September, and my father left the house 7 months ago, and everyone hated my dad. My mother was in tears, because they have been married for 24-25 years and he just left the door. What’s funny is that I’m not surprised. This issue between my parents has been going on for years. People would have thought that I would be upset and disappointed, but no. I wasn’t mad that my father left, I was mad because of the stress that came as a result with his actions. Let me explain.

Ever since my father left, my mom has been crying and everyone hated my father. Because I was raised in a Christian family, I was taught by my parents and the bible to honor my father and mother. NOT ONCE has the bible said that to honor my father and mother, IF they are good. Unfortunately, I couldn’t that. So, out of everyone in the family, besides my mother, I have been the one trying to keep on loving both of my parents. This is where the stress starts. My mother would tell me when and when not to talk to my father. This back and forth motion of “we should let him go, because he doesn’t love us anymore” and “we need to keep talking to him and love him,” was so stressful that I was getting mad at both of them. I didn’t f**king care if one is the victim and the other was the criminal. In the end, they were both at fault. And all this stress of trying to love my parents and being obedient caused me to break down several times. Out of one those times, it nearly caused my life. It was so bad that one Sunday, raining morning I was heading to church and I got into a car accident, because I was thinking about the problems at my own house.

However there came a point where I became numb to everything. I was numb to the world and most of it’s effects on me. I’m starting to care less about what people think of me, and more on making my own decisions. At this point, I just want to be left alone. Which brings me to my next point.

Moving Out

For awhile I’ve been thinking about moving out of the house. To leave the stress that haunts me every night I rest in my own room. But also, I want to learn to be independent. Ever since I graduated from high school, I have been wanting to live outside of the house, so that I may learn how it is to take care of myself and manage everything. When I was in STP (Summer Transitional Program created by the Academic Achievement Program) at University of Maryland, College Park, I wanted to live in the dorms to experience independence. When I brought it up to my parents, they were afraid that I would end in a situation where kids do drugs, have sex, throw out parties, and do other illegal activities. What’s funny is that they make it seem like these things will have control over me, even though they trust me that I will take care of myself. And it contradicts to what they have taught me, nothing controls me unless I let it control me.

So moving out of the house has been something I wanted, but now I’m becoming more aggressive about it. I have not told my mother about moving out, but I have told my father. And he seemed fine about it. Recently he has been saying that I am old enough to make my decisions and that my decisions will bring consequences. One of the reasons why I want to be independent is because I was tired of being called “malcriado” (which in Spanish basically means “brat”). And it makes me laugh because — who’s the one that raised me to be a brat? hahaha. Me and my mother have our fair share of disagreements, ¬†and every time we argue about independency she talks about how my brothers worked hard to get everything they have now, such as a car. I am the first child to ever be given a car. Now, here’s my thought: I am willing to work hard to buy the car they have given me, not all children get their materials the same way. Just like how there are different ways to get from point A to point B. It doesn’t mean that I don’t need them, I just need their guidance but still have the ability to make choices for myself. It is possible to honor your parents without obedience.

Working

Looking for any jobs that’s within my area, gives good pay, and doesn’t interfere with school… haha good luck to myself.

So there are my thoughts. This is more than I have done earlier so, hope I keep it juicy and intriguing. As life goes on, I’ll see what’s in store for me. Hopefully nothing changes, especially things that I care deeply, such as my relationship and my life’s goals. However, just like Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution, I have a better chance at surviving by adapting to my circumstance. Sooner or later, I would like to try to live more than just surviving.