Entry Log #5: Burden

Going to expose myself here, so here it goes.

The past two weeks have been interesting for me. It has been about focusing on myself. However, this passed Sunday was kind of a turning point on my life — and it was the time I took a look at myself. This passed Sunday I got into in a car accident, as I was turning into a exit ramp onto Route 29 from 200, a motorcyclist rammed into my left, rear tire. It caused the motorcyclist to slide onto the grass and my car was spinning onto the grass. As I was spinning, I hit my head on the seatbelt adjustor and I was knocked out. I think ten minutes later, I was barely waking up and saw the person drive away — I don’t think he came to check on me. I went to the hospital the same day, and my doctor said it may just be a headache (and like always, my girlfriend would predict what the real problem is: mild concussion).

The sun dawns on Thursday, I was on my way to my Tita’s (Hannah’s aunt) house and I was passing out as I was driving. I pulled over and I was panicking because I never passed out in my life, I honestly thought I was going to die. I calmed myself with the help of my girlfriend, and I continued driving to Tita’s, half awake. Got there safely. My girlfriend helped me get out of the car and onto the couch, and I slept there for an hour before working.

Friday barges in, I go to my doctor again and got a CAT scan. The scan showed that my frontal lobe on the left hemisphere was deteriorated and it is spreading at a rate of a snail. The size is neither large nor small, it’s a pretty good size. SO… it is a mild concussion (just how my wonderful girlfriend predicted). When I told my girlfriend about this, she has been keeping check on me. I took a nap a few times, and one time I woke up, Hannah texted me, I freaked out because I did not know who she was. Few moments later, I finally remembered. I basically forgot where I was. I don’t think anyone would go through that moment whenever they wake up, unless you was drunk that night and your drunk inner-self just decide to take a stroll with your toxic-body into the middle of the mystery night.

Now, you may think this has been a burden on me. I mean, I just went through this accident. I was feeling lightheaded, I got knocked out, I passed out, MY BRAIN IS DETERIORATING AS WE SPEAK, and I lost my memory for a moment. IT IS SCARY TO FORGET EVERYTHING! Did I tell you about the time I forgot who was my girlfriend when she texted me?

No, this whole situation is not a burden to me. I feel more like it has been more of a burden on my girlfriend. Why? This is how I feel.

I have to admit, first, that my girl is a trooper, she can handle a lot of stress and she still put up a fight at life. We both share struggles from life and families. My girl sometimes has to deal with some of my crap. Some crap being my insecurities, family problems, academic struggles, etc. I hate seeing her stressed out. Including the things that I have to go though myself that she’s somehow in. I have fears of what may result of her stressing out about my problems. I have an idea. I don’t want to ask or question her anything because I feel like each word just piles up on her stress.

I have questions that I want to ask people, but I have to figure out those questions on my own. Affirmation is big for me. So I don’t know how I can encourage myself, still learning on my own. Most of my life, I have been doing things by myself, because I didn’t have anyone to trust or that people didn’t give me a reason to trust them. Now that I have someone that I can share my life with, for the first time, I’m not sure what I am doing well and what I need to improve. This is my goal:

Kill my fears, give my all.

I much prefer if the burden was on me than on her. That goes for every burden. If she’s happy, I’ll be happy with her. If she’s sad, I’ll be sad with her. Be there in her good and bad times. In sickness or in poverty. ‘Til death do us apart.

That’s marriage, isn’t it?

If so, which it is to me — I’m giving my all to her.

 

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